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How to Argue Better

Summary

The episode discusses how arguments often devolve into personal attacks and fail to produce optimal solutions when the goal is simply to win. The host emphasizes that opinions are often wrong, and the true purpose of deliberation should be to collectively choose the best option through positive debate.

A key strategy is introduced: before engaging in an argument, try to genuinely make the other person’s argument for them. This involves understanding the most convincing version of their stance, which creates a pathway for empathy and deeper understanding. By simulating agreement and putting yourself in their shoes, you practice fighting for the same opinion they hold.

This approach is framed as a collaboration tool and a form of mediation, helping to see beyond surface-level emotions to the underlying struggles others may face. It encourages moving away from unreasonable expectations and rock-solid defenses toward a more empathetic perspective.

The host connects this practice to personal and professional growth, suggesting that the ability to change one’s mind is a crucial measurement of development. If you haven’t changed your opinion recently, you may benefit from considering other viewpoints more thoroughly. The episode concludes by encouraging listeners to apply this method in low-stakes arguments, like those about syntax, to build the skill of understanding opposing perspectives.

Recommendations

Concepts

  • Strong opinions weakly held — Mentioned as a concept to Google after listening, though not discussed in detail in this episode.

Topic Timeline

  • 00:00:00 — Introduction to arguments and their challenges — The episode opens by acknowledging that arguments are common, often over petty things, but sometimes involve strongly held beliefs. It highlights the difficulty of convincing others when both parties feel strongly about their opinions. The host introduces the goal of discussing a strategy for having better arguments rather than focusing on winning.
  • 00:01:44 — The toxic potential of arguments in work — The host discusses how arguments can start over a subject but devolve into personal attacks, such as on intelligence, which creates toxicity in day-to-day work. This ties into broader themes of ego-driven programming and the need for harmony. The goal is shifted from winning arguments to achieving better solutions through positive debate.
  • 00:03:10 — Core strategy: make the other person’s argument — The host presents the key strategy: before arguing, try to make the other person’s argument for them in a genuine way. This involves understanding the best and most convincing version of their stance. This practice creates empathy and helps simulate agreement, allowing you to see why someone might hold that opinion.
  • 00:04:27 — Applying empathy and perspective-taking — The strategy is framed as a collaboration tool and effective in mediation, such as imagining that anger might mask sadness or avoidance might stem from anxiety. It encourages seeing people in light of their struggles rather than unreasonable expectations. By practicing having the other person’s perspective, you fight for the same opinion they do, leading to better mediation.
  • 00:05:42 — Changing opinions as a measure of growth — The host emphasizes that changing your own opinion is a crucial measure of personal and professional growth. If you haven’t changed your mind recently or are stuck in your thinking, you likely need to consider other opinions more. The episode encourages starting with less consequential arguments, like those about syntax, to practice making the other person’s argument better.

Episode Info

  • Podcast: Developer Tea
  • Author: Jonathan Cutrell
  • Category: Technology Business Careers Society & Culture
  • Published: 2018-10-22T09:00:00Z
  • Duration: 00:07:29

References

Podcast Info

Transcript

[00:00:00] We all get in arguments from time to time.

[00:00:07] Sometimes and perhaps most of the time, these arguments are over petty things, they don’t

[00:00:12] end up mattering in the end.

[00:00:15] But sometimes we get in arguments where we actually have a stance, we have a belief,

[00:00:19] some opinion, and we have a reason for it.

[00:00:23] And unfortunately, it’s difficult to convince someone in an argument where both people feel

[00:00:30] pretty strongly about their own opinions.

[00:00:33] It’s difficult to convince someone to join your side, and it’s probably equally difficult

[00:00:39] for them to convince you to join their side.

[00:00:43] Now in today’s episode, we are going to discuss the concept of strong opinions

[00:00:47] weekly held, although that is something that I encourage you to learn about.

[00:00:53] Go and Google after you listen to this episode, but instead I want to discuss a strategy for

[00:00:59] having better arguments.

[00:01:02] My name is Jonathan Cottrell and you’re listening to Developer Tea, and my goal on this show

[00:01:05] is to help driven developers connect to their career purpose and do better work

[00:01:10] so you can have a positive influence on people around you.

[00:01:14] And in this particular case, doing better work is about harmony.

[00:01:19] We’ve been kind of focusing on this topic of harmony and focusing on kind of shifting

[00:01:25] the way that we think about attaching ourselves to our code and our ego-driven programming.

[00:01:32] This is something that can be really toxic, and the most toxic moment that you may have

[00:01:39] in your day-to-day work could be that argument.

[00:01:44] It’s a very interesting thing that it may start out as an argument over the subject,

[00:01:49] but eventually in the end, if things go poorly, these arguments can devolve into very personal

[00:01:57] arguments, attacks on people’s intelligence, for example.

[00:02:02] Now hopefully you catch yourself before you go too far down the road of argumentation

[00:02:07] where things get personal, but I want to give you a strategy, or perhaps a thinking

[00:02:14] method, a way of perceiving in an argument that may help you.

[00:02:22] Not necessarily win the argument, but come out with a better solution.

[00:02:26] If your goal in any argument is simply to win, then well, unfortunately, you’re going

[00:02:32] to end up with suboptimal solutions.

[00:02:36] Your opinions, as we’ve said many times on the show, your opinions, and everyone

[00:02:41] else’s for that matter, are often wrong.

[00:02:43] And so having a positive debate, comparing opinions so that you can collectively choose

[00:02:51] the best, that’s really the point of allowing arguments to happen in the first place,

[00:02:57] of allowing deliberation to happen in the first place.

[00:03:02] So here’s the simple kind of short-circuit concept that I want you to take away from

[00:03:07] today’s episode.

[00:03:10] I want you to try to make the other person’s argument for them.

[00:03:16] Before you get into any kind of argument, before you start discussing the differences

[00:03:22] and opinions, first try to make the other person’s argument for them.

[00:03:28] Now don’t do this in a sarcastic way, do this in a genuine way.

[00:03:34] Try to understand completely what the best and most convincing version of that person’s

[00:03:42] stance could be.

[00:03:45] By doing this, you’re creating not only a pathway for empathy, which is important,

[00:03:51] but you’re also starting to understand a little bit more that perhaps you didn’t

[00:03:58] really think through all the way before kind of simulating agreement, right, and that’s

[00:04:06] really the kind of the mental process that’s happening.

[00:04:09] You’re simulating the agreement, you’re kind of asking yourself, well, if I had

[00:04:15] the same opinion, why would I have that opinion?

[00:04:20] This kind of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, this is really effective in

[00:04:27] mediation, but it’s also a great collaboration tool.

[00:04:32] In mediation, when you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you may do something like imagine

[00:04:39] that someone expressing anger is actually sad.

[00:04:44] Imagine someone who is avoiding you is actually anxious.

[00:04:49] These are real emotions that other people have, and very seldomly do we see people

[00:04:55] in light of their struggles.

[00:04:57] Instead, we try to cast people into unreasonable levels of expectation.

[00:05:05] And so instead of approaching an argument as if the other person should have a rock-solid

[00:05:13] response to every question that you ask, for example, try to see things from their

[00:05:18] perspective and not just artificially or at the surface level, but practice having

[00:05:24] their perspective.

[00:05:27] Practice kind of fighting for the same opinion that they are fighting for.

[00:05:32] What this ultimately will lead to is a much better mediation between opinions.

[00:05:38] You may find yourself actually changing your own opinion.

[00:05:42] This is perhaps one of the most important aspects, maybe measurements, of your growth

[00:05:49] as an individual, as a programmer, as a person in your professional career.

[00:05:55] If you are not changing your opinions very often, if you are essentially stuck in your

[00:06:02] own way of thinking for extended periods of time, if you don’t remember the last

[00:06:06] time that you changed your mind, then it’s likely that you can benefit from considering

[00:06:13] other people’s opinions much more than you do today.

[00:06:18] And so I encourage you, the next time you get into some kind of argument, and the best

[00:06:23] type of argument to start with is one that’s a little bit less kind of consequential, right?

[00:06:30] Maybe it’s something about syntax.

[00:06:32] If you can start by trying to figure out how you can make the other person’s argument

[00:06:38] better, then perhaps you can understand the other side.

[00:06:44] You can understand why your argument doesn’t make as much sense to them as their own.

[00:06:50] Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode of Developer Tea.

[00:06:53] We don’t have a sponsor for today’s episode, but in lieu of a sponsor, I encourage

[00:06:57] you to take just a moment to go and subscribe on whatever podcasting app you use, and

[00:07:03] then leave us a review on iTunes.

[00:07:06] This is the best way to help other developers like you find the show, but it also gives

[00:07:11] us a chance to read and understand your feedback about the show so we can continue

[00:07:16] to make things better for you.

[00:07:18] Thank you so much for listening, and until next time, enjoy your tea.

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