3 Counterintuitive Rules of Communication with Co-workers

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Summary

This episode of Developer Tea explores three counterintuitive rules for improving communication and relationships with coworkers. Host Jonathan Cotrell frames the discussion around the core principle of empathy—thinking on behalf of others and understanding their values and perspectives.

The first rule is “don’t help them,” meaning don’t offer help unless it’s requested. Unsolicited help can make people feel incompetent, break their concentration, or undermine their sense of autonomy. The key is to wait for a request or to help in ways that don’t intrude, such as answering a question that’s already being asked.

The second rule is to “go light on the detail” when sharing stories or opinions. People prefer simplicity and are unlikely to remember excessive details. Oversharing can send the unintended message that you’re more interested in yourself than in the other person. Following this, the host advises showing genuine interest in others by asking them questions about their experiences.

The third rule is to “become less available.” This doesn’t mean being difficult to reach, but rather creating focused blocks of time where you’re unavailable for collaboration. By limiting constant availability, you can be fully present and attentive during the times you are available, leading to higher-quality interactions than being perpetually distracted and partially engaged.

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Recommendations

Tools

• Digital Ocean — Sponsored the episode. Described as an easy cloud platform with predictable costs, hourly billing, and flexible configurations for running and scaling applications. Listeners are offered $100 in credit to try their services.

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Topic Timeline

• 00:00:00 — Introduction to communication breakdowns and arguments — The episode opens by discussing how arguments often stem from misunderstandings and communication breakdowns, where intentions don’t match reception. The host introduces the goal of sharing three counterintuitive tips for improving relationships with coworkers, framing it within the challenge of trying to fix something only to make it worse, similar to overcorrecting while driving.
• 00:02:47 — The psychological framework of empathy — The host lays the foundation for the tips, explaining that our perceptions of what to do often don’t align with objective reality due to limited information. The key shift in thinking required is empathy—thinking on behalf of others, understanding their struggles, preferences, and values, rather than just predicting what they want.
• 00:06:27 — The core principle: cultivate empathy — Before diving into the specific rules, the host reiterates that everything is based on the simple idea of empathy. To improve coworker relationships, one must think on their behalf, understand what they care about and why, and adopt those values when making decisions or trying to help. This is highlighted as especially crucial for managers understanding their team’s motivations, like junior developers’ fear of falling behind.
• 00:08:44 — Rule 1: Don’t help them — The first counterintuitive rule is presented: don’t help your coworkers unless they ask for it. The explanation is that unsolicited help can make people feel incompetent, break their concentration, or frustrate them because they had their own plan. Help is best given when requested, when someone is in obvious distress, or when you can answer a question that’s already on the table.
• 00:11:15 — Rule 2: Go light on the detail — The second rule advises keeping stories, opinions, or problem explanations light on details. Reasons include people’s preference for simplicity, the likelihood that details will be forgotten, and the risk that oversharing signals self-absorption. The follow-up to this rule is to then show genuine interest in the other person by asking them questions about their experiences.
• 00:13:30 — Rule 3: Become less available — The third and final rule is to become less available. This doesn’t mean being unreachable, but rather creating blocks of focused, uninterrupted work time. The rationale is that constant availability leads to distraction and means you’re never fully present. By being unavailable at times, you can be fully available and attentive during designated collaboration periods, leading to higher-quality interactions.

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Episode Info

• Podcast: Developer Tea
• Author: Jonathan Cutrell
• Category: Technology Business Careers Society & Culture
• Published: 2018-11-02T09:00:00Z
• Duration: 00:16:39

References

• URL PocketCasts: https://pocketcasts.com/podcast/developer-tea/cbe9b6c0-7da4-0132-e6ef-5f4c86fd3263/3-counterintuitive-rules-of-communication-with-co-workers/052fca81-0024-4fe5-ba96-78bcaab5884e
• Episode UUID: 052fca81-0024-4fe5-ba96-78bcaab5884e

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Podcast Info

• Name: Developer Tea
• Type: episodic
• Site: http://www.developertea.com
• UUID: cbe9b6c0-7da4-0132-e6ef-5f4c86fd3263

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Transcript

[00:00:00] If you’ve ever been in an argument with a co-worker or a friend, a roommate, a classmate,

[00:00:16] if you’ve ever been in an argument with anyone really, you know that most arguments are

[00:00:24] the result of misunderstanding, a communication breakdown, an intention versus a reception

[00:00:33] disconnect.

[00:00:36] What happens when we try to do one thing and unfortunately sometimes it seems the opposite

[00:00:46] actually occurs?

[00:00:48] That’s what we’re talking about in today’s episode.

[00:00:50] Specifically I’m going to give you three tips for dealing with your co-workers in a way

[00:00:56] that might be counterintuitive so you can have a better relationship with them.

[00:01:02] My name is Jonathan Cotrell and you’re listening to Developer Tea and my goal in the show

[00:01:06] is to help driven developers connect to their career purpose so they can do better

[00:01:10] work and have a positive influence on the people around them.

[00:01:16] Perhaps one of the most uncomfortable and startling realities that we can face is when

[00:01:22] we try to make something better and everything that we try seems to make it worse.

[00:01:30] You can imagine an illustration of someone driving a car and kind of going out of

[00:01:37] control, losing control of the car, maybe they hit a puddle of water and they

[00:01:41] hydroplained and they lose control of the car and so in an attempt to regain control

[00:01:48] of the car they turn the steering wheel but perhaps they turn it too far.

[00:01:53] And the thing that they wanted to do, in fact, they’ve exacerbated the problem

[00:01:59] and they’ve gone even further away from the intended effect.

[00:02:04] So of course this happens in the physical world, in the motor control world, but

[00:02:10] it also happens in the metaphysical, in the relational world.

[00:02:18] And sometimes the things that you wouldn’t expect to work are actually the best ideas,

[00:02:25] the best plan.

[00:02:26] So we’re going to talk about some of those counterintuitive things in today’s episode

[00:02:31] but first I want to kind of lay the ground here and then we’re going to discuss our

[00:02:37] sponsor but I want to kind of lay the framework, the kind of psychological framework for what

[00:02:44] we’re going to be discussing today.

[00:02:47] It comes down to a very simple reality.

[00:02:51] Sometimes our perception of what we should do doesn’t line up with some objective

[00:02:59] reality or some measured reality.

[00:03:03] We haven’t been able to test our theories of what we should do.

[00:03:07] We don’t have all of the available information that we may need at any given point.

[00:03:13] Instead, we make decisions from our limited perspective and we make those decisions

[00:03:20] with some prediction of what would happen on the other side.

[00:03:23] But the problem is that we’re making them from the position that we’re in and as

[00:03:30] you’re going to see most of our shifts and thinking, most of these three tips

[00:03:36] are going to rely on thinking for the other person, thinking in the other person’s shoes.

[00:03:44] Not thinking for them in the sense that they aren’t going to be thinking for themselves

[00:03:49] but instead thinking on their behalf.

[00:03:54] This is the idea of empathy.

[00:03:57] The idea that you can instead of trying to predict what someone else wants, instead

[00:04:05] try to understand what they want.

[00:04:08] Try to understand people in light of what they are struggling with, of their preferences,

[00:04:14] of things they care about, of things they value.

[00:04:18] So we’re going to talk about those three practical kind of counterintuitive things

[00:04:22] in just a moment.

[00:04:23] But first I want to talk about today’s sponsor, Digital Ocean.

[00:04:27] Digital Ocean provides industry leading service for your application.

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[00:04:56] One of the things that Digital Ocean does that’s a little bit different from everyone

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[00:05:09] So if you’re running a startup and you’re lean and you’re right at the margins, then

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[00:05:32] So if you want to, again, start at that very base level for your startup, you can

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[00:06:13] time D O dot C O slash T E A. Thank you again to Digital Ocean for sponsoring

[00:06:18] today’s episode of Developer T.

[00:06:19] Okay, so let’s get into these counterintuitive things that you can do to better your relationships

[00:06:27] with other people.

[00:06:28] Remember, we’re basing this all off of the simple idea of empathy.

[00:06:33] If you take nothing else away from today’s episode, if you don’t have time to take

[00:06:37] notes, remember this simple idea.

[00:06:41] If you want to improve your relationships with your coworkers, think on their behalf.

[00:06:50] Cultivate empathy.

[00:06:51] Cultivate true empathy for that person.

[00:06:53] Try to put yourself in their shoes.

[00:06:55] Try to understand what they care about and why, what they value and why.

[00:07:02] And then not only trying to understand it, but trying to adopt those same values when

[00:07:08] you’re making a decision, when you’re acting on that person’s behalf, when you’re

[00:07:12] trying to help them.

[00:07:13] Now this is incredibly important for managers, by the way.

[00:07:17] If you’re a manager and you’re working with developers, if you’re a managing

[00:07:21] engineer, for example, then it’s important, extremely important really for you to understand

[00:07:26] the motivations of your junior engineers.

[00:07:29] For example, they may feel a very heavy sense of FOMO or they may feel a very heavy

[00:07:38] sense that they’re always behind.

[00:07:41] And part of your job is to understand how to help them through that sense, how

[00:07:48] to help them navigate the uncertainty that is, you know, technology.

[00:07:54] Being a technical professional, being someone who works with code, there is a feeling

[00:07:59] that you’re always falling behind, for example, right?

[00:08:02] So these are the kinds of things that you need to have in your mind when you’re

[00:08:07] doing your one-on-ones with junior developers.

[00:08:10] As a managing developer, you need to understand what is it that these junior developers

[00:08:15] care about.

[00:08:16] What do I want out of them?

[00:08:18] But instead, approaching it from a more sophisticated perspective, starting with what

[00:08:24] do they want out of their career?

[00:08:28] This is truly kind of the base level of good management.

[00:08:33] But let’s talk about these three counterintuitive realities, counterintuitive

[00:08:39] ways of dealing with your coworkers so you can improve your relationships with

[00:08:43] them.

[00:08:44] The first one is don’t help them.

[00:08:48] Don’t help them.

[00:08:49] This sounds counterintuitive because it is.

[00:08:52] It seems that if I’m always available and I’m always ready to help, then people

[00:08:58] will see me as a helpful person.

[00:09:00] But as it turns out, people actually don’t want to be helped until they ask for it.

[00:09:06] Now, there’s the catch, right?

[00:09:08] It’s not don’t refuse to help another person.

[00:09:12] Instead, it’s don’t offer your help unless it is requested.

[00:09:18] Now, there are cases where this is obviously not applicable, right?

[00:09:23] If somebody is in distress, if somebody is obviously needing help but they’re not

[00:09:30] willing to ask for it, if you can easily help someone without intruding, and perhaps

[00:09:37] the most important piece of this is if you can come in and answer a question

[00:09:42] that’s already being asked, these are the ways that you can help best.

[00:09:47] But generally speaking, people actually don’t like to be helped when they are

[00:09:53] asking for it.

[00:09:55] So why is this?

[00:09:56] Well, put yourself in their shoes.

[00:09:59] It may be partially for developers because it breaks our concentration.

[00:10:03] It may be a little bit frustrating because we already had a plan for how to

[00:10:07] approach this.

[00:10:08] But by and large, a more important factor is that when people are given help without

[00:10:15] asking for it, they may cultivate the sense, they may start to develop the sense that

[00:10:21] they are not competent.

[00:10:24] The message that is kind of not explicitly said but may develop is that I don’t know

[00:10:32] how to do this on my own.

[00:10:34] I’m incapable of doing this on my own.

[00:10:37] Now, this is something that we are reasonably able to identify for ourselves and then

[00:10:44] accept for ourselves.

[00:10:46] But when we don’t see it coming, this creates a sense of uncertainty, right?

[00:10:52] This is something that is a little bit harder to deal with.

[00:10:55] With someone else revealing to us suddenly that we are incompetent, that’s a more

[00:11:02] fearful situation.

[00:11:04] This is a situation that we want to avoid.

[00:11:07] It’s very uncomfortable.

[00:11:09] So don’t help unless that help is requested.

[00:11:14] Tip number two.

[00:11:15] This one may be a little less counterintuitive to some of you, but go light on the detail.

[00:11:22] When you’re telling a story about yourself, when you’re recapping a fun weekend that

[00:11:28] or when you’re talking about your opinions or even a problem that you’re trying to help

[00:11:33] someone solve, stay light on the details.

[00:11:37] Why is this?

[00:11:38] The first and perhaps the most simple reason is people prefer simplicity.

[00:11:44] When we have something simple to digest and to understand, we are more likely

[00:11:49] to understand and comprehend that thing.

[00:11:52] The second reason to keep light on the details is because most of those details are not going

[00:11:57] to be remembered.

[00:12:00] You’ll notice that what we’re talking about in today’s episode, we’re talking a lot

[00:12:04] about unspoken or non-explicit, right?

[00:12:10] Not specific messages, non-verbal communication in the meaning of your actions, the meaning

[00:12:18] of your discussions.

[00:12:20] And so what is the meaning of someone who shares a very detailed story?

[00:12:25] When you share so many details of your own story, the person you’re talking to may

[00:12:31] get the sense that you actually are more interested in yourself than you are in them.

[00:12:37] Keep the details light and then kind of the bonus, the follow-up to number two

[00:12:43] is don’t just keep it light and then not talk.

[00:12:47] From here on out, show your interest.

[00:12:51] Show your appreciation, your interest, your intrigue in what that person has to say.

[00:12:59] And make this genuine.

[00:13:01] People are really quite good at understanding if someone is genuine, if what they are

[00:13:06] doing is genuine or not.

[00:13:08] And so it’s important that you cultivate real interest and curiosity for the people

[00:13:13] that you are communicating to.

[00:13:15] Be honest with them and ask them questions.

[00:13:19] Ask them about the details of their weekend.

[00:13:22] So keep light on the details.

[00:13:24] And third and finally, the counterintuitive tip that I have to share with you today

[00:13:30] is to become less available.

[00:13:34] Become less available.

[00:13:38] This one is a little bit controversial because by no means do we mean to become difficult

[00:13:46] to communicate with.

[00:13:48] By no means am I suggesting that you turn off Slack and you are impossible to reach

[00:13:55] and no one knows where you are.

[00:13:57] This is a recipe for a bad situation to occur, right?

[00:14:02] People will start resenting you for not being available.

[00:14:06] But if you become less available, what this means is that when you are available, you

[00:14:12] are fully available.

[00:14:15] The idea that we are always reachable creates this kind of homogenized situation where

[00:14:24] we are constantly receiving communication from all different types of sources.

[00:14:30] Some of that communication is very important.

[00:14:33] It requires our immediate attention.

[00:14:35] This is the kind of thing that we need to focus on.

[00:14:38] But then other parts of that communication can be way less important, right?

[00:14:44] We can open ourselves up to a lot of distraction.

[00:14:48] And so when we’re constantly available to everything, then we’re never fully available

[00:14:53] to anything.

[00:14:54] And so I encourage you to limit your availability.

[00:14:59] Create blocks of focused time where you’re not meeting with anybody, where you’re not

[00:15:05] collaborating, where you’re actually focused on your work and you’re unavailable.

[00:15:10] And then have time where you are fully available.

[00:15:14] It would be much better for you to spend 30 minutes of fully focused, fully available

[00:15:24] time with your coworker than to spend an hour where both of you are nearby, but you’re

[00:15:30] distracted.

[00:15:31] Maybe you’re trying to do work at the same time as collaborating on something.

[00:15:35] Maybe you’re trying to, you know, catch up on your emails or you’re staring at

[00:15:39] Twitter, whatever it is, make yourself less available.

[00:15:44] And so when you are available, you’ll be fully available.

[00:15:48] Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode.

[00:15:50] Thank you again to DigitalOcean for sponsoring today’s episode.

[00:15:54] You can get $100 worth of credit.

[00:15:56] That’s essentially like a $100 bill that’s just waiting for you over at do.co.tea.

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[00:16:14] Thank you again to DigitalOcean.

[00:16:16] Thank you so much for listening.

[00:16:17] If you haven’t yet subscribed, I encourage you before this episode ends to open your

[00:16:22] podcast app or whatever you’re listening on right now and subscribe.

[00:16:26] This will ensure that you don’t miss out on future episodes of Developer Tea.

[00:16:30] Thank you so much for listening and until next time, enjoy your tea.