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Two Tools for Improving Your Closest Relationships

Summary

In this episode of Developer Tea, host Jonathan Cotrell introduces two practical tools designed to enhance communication in close relationships, both personal and professional. He begins by acknowledging that even in deeply connected relationships, communication breakdowns occur, often because we assume understanding exists without actively practicing it.

The first tool is “Three Roses, a Thorn, and a Bud.” This framework involves sharing three positive things you appreciate about the person (roses), one thing that is uncomfortable or painful for you (thorn), and something you look forward to together (bud). Jonathan explains that the 4:1 positive-to-negative ratio counters our natural tendency to hyper-focus on negative feedback. He emphasizes that the thorn is about sharing your experience, not necessarily asking for change, and warns against turning it into a manipulative “crap sandwich” by using it only when you have negative feedback. Regular, scheduled use prevents this abuse.

The second tool is a simple set of questions for one-on-ones: “What should I keep doing?” “What should I start doing?” and “What should I stop doing?” Jonathan notes that these questions often spark discussion rather than yielding neat lists, as few things fit cleanly into these categories. The “stop doing” question should focus on ceasing activities that aren’t the best use of your strengths, framing it positively.

Jonathan advises listeners to apply these tools with their three closest relationships—writing them down first—and to approach the exercises with the goal of improving the relationship, not sneaking in negative feedback. He suggests having the other person listen to the episode if open to it. The episode includes a sponsor segment for LaunchDarkly, promoting their feature flagging services for developers.

Throughout, Jonathan stresses that these tools are about creating structured opportunities for open communication, uncovering unspoken expectations, and fostering mutual understanding to strengthen bonds with significant others, family, friends, managers, and close colleagues.

Recommendations

Tools

  • Three Roses, a Thorn, and a Bud — A communication framework involving sharing three positive appreciations (roses), one uncomfortable issue (thorn), and one future anticipation (bud). Designed with a 4:1 positive-to-negative ratio to counteract negative bias and foster open discussion about relationship experiences.
  • Keep/Start/Stop Framework — A set of three questions for one-on-ones: ‘What should I keep doing?’ ‘What should I start doing?’ and ‘What should I stop doing?’ These questions aim to spark conversations about performance and behavior, focusing on strengths and optimal use of time rather than purely negative feedback.

Topic Timeline

  • 00:00:00 — Introduction to communication challenges in close relationships — Jonathan Cotrell introduces the episode’s focus on improving close relationships through better communication tools. He explains that even in deeply connected relationships—whether personal or professional—communication breakdowns occur because we assume understanding without actively practicing it. These assumptions can be unexpectedly overturned, leading to friction.
  • 00:03:10 — Exercise: Identify your three closest relationships — Listeners are instructed to pause and write down their three most important or closest relationships. Jonathan emphasizes not focusing on just one, as answers will interact. This sets the stage for applying the upcoming tools to multiple relationships to gain broader insights and commonalities.
  • 00:04:12 — Introducing the first tool: Three Roses, a Thorn, and a Bud — Jonathan introduces the first tool: Three Roses (things you appreciate), a Thorn (something uncomfortable/painful for you), and a Bud (something you look forward to). He explains the tool’s psychological basis: the 4:1 positive-to-negative ratio counteracts our bias to focus on negatives. The thorn is about sharing your experience, not necessarily requesting change.
  • 00:08:34 — Avoiding abuse: Differentiating from the ‘crap sandwich’ — Jonathan warns against turning the tool into a manipulative ‘crap sandwich’—using positive feedback as fluff to contain negative feedback. To avoid this, use the tool regularly on a scheduled basis (e.g., in one-on-ones or over meals). He notes terminology can be adapted if ‘rose’ has unwanted connotations, but the structure remains key.
  • 00:13:38 — Introducing the second tool: Keep, Start, Stop questions — The second tool is a simple framework for one-on-ones: ‘What should I keep doing?’ ‘What should I start doing?’ and ‘What should I stop doing?’ Jonathan explains these questions often start discussions rather than yield neat lists, as few things fit cleanly. The ‘stop doing’ question should focus on ceasing activities that aren’t the best use of your strengths.
  • 00:17:36 — Applying both tools to your closest relationships — Jonathan advises taking both tools to your listed three closest relationships. Introduce them in suitable formats—over dinner with a friend or in a one-on-one. Consider having the other person listen to the episode. Emphasize that the goal is to improve the relationship, not sneak in negative feedback, and that you’ll cross-reference feedback from others.

Episode Info

  • Podcast: Developer Tea
  • Author: Jonathan Cutrell
  • Category: Technology Business Careers Society & Culture
  • Published: 2021-12-15T08:00:00Z
  • Duration: 00:20:08

References

Podcast Info

Transcript

[00:00:00] In today’s episode, I’m going to give you two tools for improving your closest relationships.

[00:00:11] We’re going to talk about how these tools should be used.

[00:00:15] My name is Jonathan Cotrell.

[00:00:16] You’re listening to Developer Tea.

[00:00:18] My goal on this show is to help driven developers like you find clarity, perspective, and purpose

[00:00:24] in their careers.

[00:00:28] If you’ve ever had a close relationship, you know that communication in those close

[00:00:36] relationships can sometimes become difficult.

[00:00:42] Even when you are deeply connected to this person.

[00:00:47] And when I say close relationships, we’re absolutely including your work relationships.

[00:00:54] This is especially true between you and a close manager, or you and a close peer, maybe

[00:01:03] somebody who is your counterpart on a team.

[00:01:11] And it’s true in our personal relationships, our significant others, our children, our

[00:01:18] all of these relationships, at some point, we will have a breakdown in communication.

[00:01:26] And part of what makes this difficult is the presupposition, the assumption that because

[00:01:33] we are close, we have figured out communication.

[00:01:39] Because we are close, we understand each other.

[00:01:42] We know what the other means whenever they say something.

[00:01:46] We know what the other person would want in a given scenario.

[00:01:50] But if you’ve ever actually experienced this, especially if you’ve ever experienced a shock

[00:01:58] to these assumptions, you know that you can have years long relationships with your closest

[00:02:05] friends, your closest co-workers, your closest romantic interests, whoever it is, you can

[00:02:12] have years long relationships, and then suddenly have your expectations or your assumptions

[00:02:18] turned completely upside down.

[00:02:21] And it can be about very small things, or it can be about very important, very big things.

[00:02:28] And part of the reason that this happens is because we assume that we know so much about

[00:02:33] that person, we rarely take the time to practice the fundamental parts of our relationships,

[00:02:42] to practice that communication back and forth, to put in the time and the effort to improve

[00:02:51] our communication.

[00:02:53] So if you’re like me, and at the end of the year, you’re looking at ways of improving

[00:02:57] every aspect of your life, one aspect that I highly recommend that you take extra time

[00:03:04] and extra care to think about is your closest relationships.

[00:03:10] So I’m going to give you two tools for improving your closest relationships, but I want you

[00:03:16] to take a moment right now or whenever you can, pause this podcast until you can do this,

[00:03:24] take a moment and write down your three most important or closest relationships in your

[00:03:30] life.

[00:03:33] And if you have four that you want to write down, whatever, this is a flexible exercise.

[00:03:38] It doesn’t really matter how many you have, but three is a good number.

[00:03:42] Don’t focus on just one, because the answers to these things are going to interact with

[00:03:47] each other.

[00:03:48] The way that this exercise is going to work, you’re going to get a field of different

[00:03:53] answers and a field of different discussion points from these different individuals.

[00:03:58] And it’s your job, part of the exercise, is to find out how they interact with each other,

[00:04:04] what are the commonalities, et cetera.

[00:04:06] This first tool is going to be controversial, no matter who you talk to about it, because

[00:04:12] it has been abused.

[00:04:14] This way of communicating has been abused.

[00:04:18] We’re going to talk about how it’s been abused and how to avoid that.

[00:04:22] But the basis of this tool is sound.

[00:04:26] The tool is very simple.

[00:04:27] I first heard about this particular tool a few years ago on a podcast that I don’t recall

[00:04:33] what it was exactly, and it certainly isn’t a novel idea from the podcast itself.

[00:04:41] The tool is called Rose, a Thorn, and a Bud.

[00:04:45] But on the podcast, the person talking about this exercise changed it to be three roses,

[00:04:53] a thorn, and a bud.

[00:04:55] Now what are we talking about with roses, thorns, and buds?

[00:04:58] Three roses would be three things that you appreciate, three things that are positive.

[00:05:03] These are reflections, something that has come about in some way that you are thankful

[00:05:11] for.

[00:05:12] So these are things that you appreciate, that you view positively.

[00:05:16] When we’re using this to improve our relationships, these are three things that you appreciate

[00:05:20] about the person that you’re talking to.

[00:05:24] The size of the rose does not matter.

[00:05:28] This is very important to understand because it may feel like you’re running out of things

[00:05:33] to appreciate, but the truth is even the smallest things that somebody does that you appreciate

[00:05:40] they can be noticed out loud.

[00:05:44] So three roses, a thorn is something that is uncomfortable for you, or it somehow is

[00:05:52] difficult or painful for you.

[00:05:54] Now you’re not necessarily asking this person to change that thorn, but rather that they

[00:06:00] become aware of it.

[00:06:03] The reason you wouldn’t ask them to change a thorn is because rose bushes have thorns.

[00:06:07] This is kind of the point of the exercise, is to make them aware if they’re not aware

[00:06:12] that this is a thorn for you.

[00:06:15] And then finally a bud is something that you look forward to, something that you anticipate

[00:06:21] in the future.

[00:06:22] This tool is really incredible for a couple of reasons.

[00:06:26] First the weighting of using three positive things and actually arguably four positive

[00:06:32] if you include the bud, is consistent with science, consistent with especially psychology

[00:06:40] science about how we receive feedback and messaging from other people.

[00:06:46] If we were to receive in equal parts positive and negative messages, then we’re very likely

[00:06:53] to focus, hyper-focus on the negative.

[00:06:57] We weight that negative much more than we would weight the positive.

[00:07:02] So by focusing on more positive things, you are creating kind of a biasing against the

[00:07:09] bias.

[00:07:10] You’re not necessarily removing that bias of focusing on the negative, but you are working

[00:07:15] to kind of cancel it out.

[00:07:18] The second thing that makes this particular exercise really powerful is that it doesn’t

[00:07:22] hold back on sharing some kind of negative feedback.

[00:07:27] This is not necessarily feedback that you’re intending to change.

[00:07:31] This is something that you are sharing from your perspective.

[00:07:34] This is not a feedback tool that I would recommend for managers that are trying to grow a direct

[00:07:41] report.

[00:07:42] This is much more about your experience in the relationship that you have with those

[00:07:47] people.

[00:07:48] Finally, what I really like about this particular exercise in addition to what we’ve already

[00:07:53] mentioned is that it does provide some kind of forward thinking.

[00:07:59] Instead of just ending on a retrospective note, we’re also anticipating something together.

[00:08:05] This is important because if we don’t communicate what we’re anticipating in the future, we

[00:08:11] may not be able to prepare ourselves for making whatever those future events are as positive

[00:08:18] and rewarding as possible.

[00:08:20] We may not realize how important an upcoming event is to someone in that close relationship

[00:08:26] with us.

[00:08:27] Now, we do want to take a moment and talk specifically about how this kind of mechanism

[00:08:32] is abused.

[00:08:34] This should be differentiated from the crap sandwich, and we’re using modified language

[00:08:40] so we don’t have to put the explicit tag on this particular episode, the crap sandwich.

[00:08:45] The idea of this is that you have two pieces of positive information, whatever they are,

[00:08:53] but those are just fluff to contain the middle, which is the negative.

[00:08:58] The point of the three roses, a thorn and a bud, is not to contain the thorn in some

[00:09:05] kind of fluffy information.

[00:09:06] Remember, the goal here is to focus on your side of the experience.

[00:09:12] The thorn is painful for you.

[00:09:15] It’s not necessarily something that should be changed.

[00:09:19] With that said, once you do communicate this, you and the person that is in this close relationship

[00:09:24] with you can strategize ways to deal with that particular thorn.

[00:09:30] Maybe there are ways that you can communicate differently.

[00:09:34] Maybe there are ways that you can work around it.

[00:09:37] Keep in mind that sometimes this particular exercise is practiced with no thorns to provide.

[00:09:44] There’s nothing necessarily that you want to share as a thorn.

[00:09:48] The way that you avoid turning this three roses, a thorn and a bud into the crap sandwich

[00:09:56] is by doing it on a regular basis, a scheduled basis.

[00:10:01] This could be during your one-on-ones, if you’re doing this with your manager.

[00:10:05] This could be something that you do over a meal.

[00:10:08] You can change the terminology if there’s something that feels socially awkward about

[00:10:13] calling it a rose versus something else.

[00:10:17] If your culture has, for example, a romantic connotation with roses, then it may not necessarily

[00:10:22] feel appropriate to bring that into the workplace.

[00:10:26] The same basic structure can be applied no matter what you call this.

[00:10:30] Once again, it’s to weight the positive things that you’ve experienced recently at a higher

[00:10:39] rate.

[00:10:40] You’re doing more of those at a factor that is significant like four to one and to provide

[00:10:47] an outlet for sharing from your experience.

[00:10:50] This tool is incredibly powerful and it’s very insightful.

[00:10:55] Again, of course, hopefully this is obvious, but both sides would provide their three thorns,

[00:11:04] their rose.

[00:11:05] I’m sorry, their three roses, the thorn and a bud.

[00:11:08] We’re going to take a quick sponsor break and then I’m going to come back and talk about

[00:11:11] the other tool that I think could totally change your close relationships.

[00:11:25] Developer T is supported by LaunchDarkly.

[00:11:27] We’re going to go a little bit off script today.

[00:11:29] I’m just going to talk about the importance of what LaunchDarkly provides to your workflow.

[00:11:36] You probably have features that are in the works right now that you want to test out

[00:11:41] and you’ve probably written tests that you tried to make sure that everything was buttoned

[00:11:47] up.

[00:11:48] The truth is, and you know this if you’ve had any experience launching features to a

[00:11:53] user base, you know that the bugs that matter are the ones that the users experience, not

[00:11:58] the ones that your tests find.

[00:12:02] In order to find those bugs early, it makes sense to try to release this code, these features,

[00:12:08] to a select group of users.

[00:12:11] There’s also plenty of other times when you might want two users to see completely different

[00:12:16] things when they land on the same page in your app.

[00:12:20] How would you accomplish this?

[00:12:22] Well, a lot of people try to figure this out on their own and they end up adding a bunch

[00:12:26] of extra fields to their user table or, you know, in the best case, they try to build

[00:12:32] their own feature flag solution, but LaunchDarkly has figured this out for you.

[00:12:37] LaunchDarkly provides feature flags, but essentially on steroids.

[00:12:42] These are feature flags that you can rely on.

[00:12:45] They’re not going to fall apart.

[00:12:47] The logic of the feature flags is not going to screw up.

[00:12:50] It’s going to be highly available in a live kind of real-time streaming manner.

[00:12:55] In other words, it’s not going to get stuck in the loop of your server problems.

[00:13:01] The performance issues are no longer an issue with LaunchDarkly.

[00:13:05] You can get started for free today by heading to LaunchDarkly.com.

[00:13:10] Thanks again to LaunchDarkly for their support of Developer Teal.

[00:13:20] We’ve talked about three roses, a thorn, and a bud.

[00:13:23] That is the first tool that I wanted to provide to you as you find ways of improving your

[00:13:28] closest relationships.

[00:13:30] By the way, you’re going to take these tools and go and introduce them to those close relationships.

[00:13:35] We’ll talk a little bit more about that in a moment.

[00:13:38] The second tool I want to provide you is a very simple framework.

[00:13:41] You can use this especially in your one-on-ones.

[00:13:44] This would be a very good thing to do maybe bi-weekly or even on a monthly basis.

[00:13:49] It may not make sense to do it on a weekly basis necessarily.

[00:13:52] If you’re doing weekly one-on-ones, that might be a little bit much for this.

[00:13:56] It’s a very simple set of questions.

[00:14:01] They’re so simple that you can probably memorize this in the same way that you can probably

[00:14:04] memorize the three roses, a thorn, and a bud.

[00:14:08] The questions are very simple.

[00:14:09] They go like this.

[00:14:10] What should I keep on doing?

[00:14:13] What is one thing I should keep on doing?

[00:14:15] What is one thing that I should start doing?

[00:14:19] What is one thing that I should stop doing?

[00:14:23] What’s something I should continue doing?

[00:14:25] What is something that I should start doing and what is something I should stop doing?

[00:14:30] This set of questions covers some very important ground that is often missed in the average

[00:14:37] one-on-one.

[00:14:38] This is especially true because people have a tendency to provide feedback in only one

[00:14:44] of these categories or maybe in two of these categories.

[00:14:48] Very often we might receive feedback that just tells us that we need to stop doing something.

[00:14:55] Another piece of feedback we very often might receive is that we need to start doing something

[00:15:01] or we need to change something that we’re already doing.

[00:15:05] We need to start doing something a little differently.

[00:15:09] We might receive feedback only about, if we’re lucky, we might receive feedback about things

[00:15:17] that we need to continue doing but often this one is left out entirely.

[00:15:22] By asking these questions you might uncover something that is not necessarily intuitive

[00:15:27] from the other person.

[00:15:30] What is something I should keep doing?

[00:15:32] What is something I should start doing?

[00:15:35] What is something that I need to stop doing?

[00:15:38] We should clarify how this particular exercise is supposed to work.

[00:15:42] It’s very unlikely that you’re going to come away from this exercise with a list of three

[00:15:47] things.

[00:15:49] It’s possible depending on what kind of manager you have, what personality you’re dealing

[00:15:53] with but most of the time what this does is it starts a discussion because the truth is

[00:15:59] few things actually fit cleanly into these categories.

[00:16:02] It’s not necessarily that you need to stop doing something but maybe you need to change

[00:16:06] the way that you’re doing it or maybe you need to change the timing in how you’re doing

[00:16:10] it.

[00:16:12] Maybe it’s not that you need to start something but you need to be aware of something so that

[00:16:17] you can prepare for it.

[00:16:20] Use these questions not as a way of gathering those three items but rather as a way of starting

[00:16:27] the right kinds of conversations and the right kind of thinking.

[00:16:33] Remember that with both of these exercises the things that you receive are going to be

[00:16:38] on a spectrum.

[00:16:39] You’re going to get both positive and negative feedback.

[00:16:43] Speaking of positive and negative, this particular exercise may feel almost all negative.

[00:16:49] In fact it has two things that seem somewhat negative.

[00:16:52] I’m forgetting to do something and you’re telling me I need to start doing it or I’m

[00:16:56] doing something wrong and you’re telling me I need to stop doing it.

[00:17:00] It’s important when you do this particular exercise that you focus on your strengths.

[00:17:07] Focus on my strengths.

[00:17:09] What should I stop doing?

[00:17:12] What this does is it focuses you on stopping doing things that you’re not very good at

[00:17:17] doing.

[00:17:19] Instead of saying you’re doing something wrong or you’re doing something that is inherently

[00:17:25] negative, you’re focusing instead on what is the best use of my time.

[00:17:31] This is a less negative spin on the same information.

[00:17:36] The exercise here, these two tools, I want you to take these tools to that list of three

[00:17:41] people and in whatever your best format is, maybe it’s at the next dinner that you have

[00:17:49] with that close friend or maybe at your next one-on-one or you plan out a one-on-one, maybe

[00:17:55] at the beginning of next year, whatever is most suitable for your patterns together,

[00:18:01] that’s how you introduce these things.

[00:18:04] Have them listen to this episode if they’re open to that idea.

[00:18:07] And preface that you’re likely going to take notes, that you’re going to be kind of cross-referencing

[00:18:12] this information with feedback that you’re getting from other people and that you’re

[00:18:15] trying to improve, that your goal is not to somehow find a way to sneak in negative feedback,

[00:18:22] that this is mostly for you to receive the information you need to receive to improve

[00:18:27] both yourself and more critically, your relationship with that person.

[00:18:32] Thanks so much for listening to today’s episode of Developer Tea.

[00:18:36] Thank you again to today’s sponsor, LaunchDarkly.

[00:18:38] You can get started with enterprise-grade feature flags for free today at LaunchDarkly.com.

[00:18:45] If you enjoyed this episode or if you’ve enjoyed any episode of Developer Tea in the past,

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