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Leitura de 13 min

Talking To Yourself for Better One-On-Ones

Summary

This episode explores how to make one-on-one meetings more effective by shifting the focus from trying to change others to first understanding and refining our own messages. The host asks listeners to reflect on their last one-on-one and consider whether their intended message had the desired effect, highlighting that we often share information with the unconscious goal of shaping the world around us, like a potter molding clay.

However, the discussion reveals a crucial insight: our communications change us as much as, if not more than, they change others. Verbal processors understand this intuitively, but everyone processes thoughts and feelings through formulation and expression. The episode argues that we are generally more effective at changing our own thoughts than influencing another person’s, and our message tuning is often based on what makes sense to us rather than the listener.

The host offers a practical preparation technique: before your next one-on-one, have a discussion with yourself—perhaps during a drive or by writing—to articulate your specific goals. Instead of deluging the listener with every point, be selective and consider their capacity, framing the conversation as a learning experience where information is delivered in digestible pieces. This involves anticipating the other person’s responses and focusing on topics they care about, which demonstrates respect for their time and increases the conversation’s effectiveness.

Preparation methods can vary: some may prefer writing, others talking aloud to themselves, and some might use a trusted confidant to simulate the discussion. The key is to get the initial processing out of the way through self-regulation, allowing you to enter the one-on-one focused on creating the intended change. This approach transforms preparation from a restrictive exercise into a thoughtful practice that honors both the message and the recipient.

Topic Timeline

  • 00:00:00 — Reflecting on your last one-on-one message — The host asks listeners to recall a specific message they tried to convey in their last one-on-one, whether feedback, an idea, or a story, and to consider whether it had the intended effect. He emphasizes that one-on-ones are prime opportunities for influence within an organization, making the effectiveness of our messages critically important.
  • 00:02:06 — The unintended effects of information sharing — The discussion explores how we often share an overabundance of information hoping to convince others, which can backfire. We operate under a ‘potter and clay’ model, trying to shape the world, but in reality, our messages change us as much as they change others. This is especially true for verbal processors, and it’s a process that happens constantly, not just in therapy.
  • 00:04:30 — We are better at changing ourselves than others — The host points out that when crafting a message for a one-on-one, we typically aim to change the other person but omit ourselves from the equation. In truth, we are often more effective at affecting change in our own thoughts than in someone else’s. Our message tuning is usually based on our own intuition rather than the listener’s perspective.
  • 00:05:15 — The preparation exercise: talk to yourself — A simple preparation technique is introduced: before your next one-on-one, have a discussion with yourself about the topics you plan to cover. Take notes to explicitly state your goals and sketch out how to hit those points. The unspoken advice is to be selective—don’t try to make every point, but focus on what will accomplish your actual objective.
  • 00:06:40 — Framing one-on-ones as learning conversations — The script is flipped to view the one-on-one as a teacher-student dynamic. Effective teachers don’t overwhelm students; they provide information in digestible pieces. Similarly, the most useful preparation is to anticipate the other person’s responses—what they care about and how they might react—which shows you value their time and have ‘done your homework.’
  • 00:08:43 — Different mediums for preparation — The host shares that preparation methods can vary: writing may work for some, while others (like himself) prefer talking ideas out alone, such as in the car or shower. Another option is using a trusted confidant—a partner or peer manager—to act as a listener and reflector. The goal is to complete the self-regulation portion beforehand to focus on creating change in the meeting.

Episode Info

  • Podcast: Developer Tea
  • Author: Jonathan Cutrell
  • Category: Technology Business Careers Society & Culture
  • Published: 2024-05-08T07:00:00Z
  • Duration: 00:10:58

References

Podcast Info

Transcript

[00:00:00] I want you to think back to your last one-on-one.

[00:00:15] Think back to your last one-on-one whether that was with a report or with your manager.

[00:00:21] And I want you to remember, try to recall a single message that you tried to convey

[00:00:30] to the person you were having a one-on-one with.

[00:00:32] This might have been feedback, it might have been an idea, it might have just been a story.

[00:00:39] Ideally, focus on a message where you had some intent, there was some reason, some emotional

[00:00:50] reason perhaps or logical reason that you were sharing that message rather than just making

[00:00:55] conversation. Most messages, even the ones that we’re just making conversation with,

[00:01:03] will fall into this category, but it helps to pick one where you had some kind of intent in

[00:01:09] sharing that message. And here’s what I want you to try to figure out. Did it work?

[00:01:17] Did the way that you shared that message have the intended effect that you had hoped for?

[00:01:24] In theory, our one-on-ones with our manager or with our reports are the biggest opportunity

[00:01:30] for this kind of influence, either down or up the organizational ladder. And so these

[00:01:39] conversations are very important, these one-on-one type conversations. So the message that you’re

[00:01:44] sharing, and this is true in almost all kind of message-sharing situations, but the one-on-one

[00:01:50] provides a clearer kind of direct message situation. Did the message have its intended effect?

[00:02:00] Now the interesting thing is, very often we’re not entirely sure what the intended effect was.

[00:02:06] Sometimes we feel like we need to, for example, share all of our feelings,

[00:02:12] about a particular topic. We feel like providing an overabundance of information about a topic

[00:02:21] is going to convince the listener more, that we’re kind of overloading them with proof,

[00:02:29] so to speak. And while this may seem on its face like it’s logical, like it’s somewhat rational

[00:02:37] to expect someone to appreciate more information, this may have the opposite effect

[00:02:43] from what we’re intending. Interestingly, we also have a discounting behavior about this information

[00:02:52] sharing, about how it changes us. We imagine that when we’re walking into a one-on-one situation,

[00:02:59] that our sharing of information is intended to shape the world around us. This kind of

[00:03:07] conceptual model of us being the potter and all of the material and other people and situations

[00:03:14] in the world being some kind of moldable clay. Some parts are harder to mold than others.

[00:03:20] Some parts are harder to mold than others. But in fact, our messages change us.

[00:03:29] If you are a verbal processor, if you know that you’re a verbal processor, you know that your

[00:03:36] talking out loud to another person has an effect on you, not just the other person. Even if this

[00:03:42] isn’t the intended effect, very often and perhaps always, our communications change us.

[00:03:52] We process through some kind of concept, some thought, some feeling, and we respond to our

[00:03:59] own formulation of thought, sometimes more notably than others. Sometimes we opt into this on purpose.

[00:04:07] We attend therapy sessions, for example, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc., in order to

[00:04:15] find some kind of adjustment that we can make to ourselves. But this is not necessarily just

[00:04:22] contained in the four walls of a therapy session. So if you were thinking about the message that

[00:04:30] you chose, your one-on-one message, it’s very likely that you were trying to change another person

[00:04:37] but you don’t necessarily have yourself on that list. And so often, we are much more effective

[00:04:45] at changing ourselves than we are at changing others, or affecting some kind of change in thought

[00:04:52] in ourselves than change in thought in another person. In other words, the way that we tune our

[00:04:58] messages is usually based on intuition about what makes sense to us rather than the person

[00:05:06] that we’re talking to. So I’ll suggest a simple idea for you in preparation for your next one-on-one,

[00:05:15] especially if your goal is to produce some kind of persuasive argument to your manager,

[00:05:21] to a direct report, to a peer. Take some time to have a discussion with yourself.

[00:05:29] Maybe on your next drive, have a discussion with yourself that you might have intuitively had

[00:05:36] with the person that you’re going to have this meeting with. And then take some notes.

[00:05:43] Specifically, instead of walking into the one-on-one with a general kind of vague idea of

[00:05:48] what you’re hoping to accomplish, very specifically and explicitly state what you’re trying to

[00:05:55] accomplish in your notes. And then sketch out how you expect to hit those particular points

[00:06:02] in discussion. Perhaps the unspoken advice here is don’t try to make every point that’s on your

[00:06:08] mind. Be selective. It’s very likely that the person that you’re talking to only has so much

[00:06:15] capacity for whatever feedback you are bringing to the table. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t

[00:06:22] honest, but rather that you focus whatever you’re saying in that meeting to what will

[00:06:28] accomplish what you’re actually trying to accomplish. I say all this at the risk of

[00:06:33] providing you an exercise that makes you feel a little bit restricted or restrained.

[00:06:40] But let’s change the script a little bit. Let’s imagine that this is a teacher talking to a

[00:06:46] student. A teacher who’s trying to teach a student a complex topic that they’ve never encountered

[00:06:52] before is not going to deluge them with all of the details of that topic. Instead, they’re going

[00:06:59] to provide them those pieces of information in a way that they can actually comprehend.

[00:07:06] They’re going to give them one piece at a time so that it’s digestible. You don’t sit through class

[00:07:11] for eight hours at a time. Instead, you have a limited amount of time per subject. These are

[00:07:17] things that we know about learning theory, and most of our one-on-one conversations really could

[00:07:22] be treated as learning conversations. Perhaps the most useful thing you can do in your preparation is

[00:07:30] instead of trying to focus on what you think the most important points are, try to imagine

[00:07:35] the responses of the person that you’re having the meeting with. What will they say about topic X,

[00:07:42] Y, or Z? Which of these topics do they care the most about? Or if they don’t care about any of

[00:07:47] them, do any of them lead to something that they might actually care about? This may feel like

[00:07:53] you’re over preparing or that you’re, you know, somehow faking the conversation. But you’d be

[00:08:01] surprised if you were to even share directly that you’ve prepared for the discussion. The person

[00:08:07] that you’re talking to will almost certainly appreciate it. This is because instead of just

[00:08:12] spouting off what’s top of mind for you, you’ve actually taken the time to show that you care

[00:08:18] for their time. There’s a reason why we call this doing our homework. If you were to show up

[00:08:25] having not done your homework, then you may not really be prepared for the conversation

[00:08:30] you’re getting ready to have anyway. So prepare for the conversation by first doing all of those

[00:08:37] intuitive discussion points on your own. This might look different for each person. Maybe you

[00:08:43] need to write this out. That might be the most useful medium for you. If you’re like me and you

[00:08:50] like to talk about your ideas, which is one of the reasons why I host a podcast like this,

[00:08:55] then talking these things out to yourself, literally in the car is when I do it or in the

[00:09:01] shower sometimes, my wife will catch me talking to myself and then she’s gotten used to it at

[00:09:06] this point. This is a medium that works well for me to kind of talk my ideas out solo to myself.

[00:09:14] Another option is to choose a trusted confidant, maybe a partner that you have, your personal

[00:09:20] partner, maybe another, you know, if you’re doing a one-on-one with a report, maybe another manager

[00:09:26] that you trust, a peer manager, someone who can kind of play the role of listener and reflector

[00:09:33] in your discussion. That would be one other way that you can kind of simulate this.

[00:09:38] And this will really kind of get this portion of the discussion out so that you feel that you’ve

[00:09:44] done the kind of self-regulation about whatever the topic is and then you can focus on the change

[00:09:51] that you’re trying to make. Thanks so much for listening to today’s episode of Developer T.

[00:09:56] Hopefully, this is a useful discussion for you in making your one-on-one meetings more effective,

[00:10:03] more useful to you. If you enjoyed this episode of Developer T, please consider leaving us

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[00:10:21] with somebody that you think would benefit from this specific conversation. Someone who you think

[00:10:26] is thoughtful about their one-on-ones, maybe they would be interested in trying this out,

[00:10:31] trying out this practice and improving their one-on-ones through it. I would love to hear

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[00:10:46] That’s developert.com slash discord. Thanks so much for listening and until next time, enjoy your tea.

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